On the occasion of the 100th birthday of Margaret M. Duke, the mother of Ellery Duke, Executive Director of Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, we are pleased to launch a new blog, Reflections. We will occasionally post writings by Ellery and others, starting with today’s post, a letter to his mother. 

Post #1 – A Letter to Mother

8/18/15

Dear Mom,

70 years ago today (May 30, 2015), you brought me into the world.  You gave me life and I made you a mother. You have known me longer than anyone.  You knew me before I was born!  You were nearly 30 years old when I was born and you will be 100 on August 18^th. You are truly amazing in having lived nearly a century.

As I reflect on my 70 years, I am increasingly aware of how quickly they have passed into history.  When I was younger, I couldn’t wait to obtain my drivers’ license at age 16.  Such freedom that little piece of paper symbolized. I also couldn’t wait to graduate from high school, college, seminary and graduate school, believing that I would have arrived.

Now, I would like for time to slow down.  Yet, I know that somehow, time is speeding up and I don’t have time to do all that I want to squeeze into life.

Some elements of the 70 years stand out.  I am so grateful that you and Dad devoted yourselves to providing a secure and stable family environment for Ray and me.  You demonstrated values of community involvement, caring for others, responsibility and independence. We grew up knowing that we would attend college, even though that was not a possibility for either of you.  You became a beautician and managed your own business from your early twenties, but I know that you would have liked being a teacher.  You and Dad married when you were 26 and he was 30.  (You stated a few times that you hoped that I would not wait until I was an “old man” like Dad.  I was 25.)  Dad borrowed the $1400 that it cost for him to build with his own hands the house that became our home.  You both worked to pay off that 2% debt before I was born.  That was family planning!  You then stopped your career so that you could devote yourself to motherhood for Ray and me.

You and Dad demonstrated total respect for each other.  In traditional terms, he cared for the outdoors, and you cared for the household; however, he had a soothing touch with babies and did much of the ironing, actually teaching me to iron shirts before I left home for college.  You always took care of the family finances. You and he were equal team-members before the last couple of generations discovered that model for marriage.

The house that Dad built was everything that we needed, and then, as we entered grade school, he added on that beautiful knotty-pine paneled room for Ray and me, and converted the attic of the house into a playroom.  Building plastic and wooden model ships and airplanes, collecting baseball cards, and coin and stamp collecting were important at various times.  (I still cannot understand why I let you get rid of our baseball card collections! The winner of our pool tournaments was the first to 100!  The outdoors was amazing!  We had ponies—Sparky and Peppy—for a number of years.  As I started high school, I sold Sparky for $350 and bought a $500 US Savings Bond, which ultimately paid for much of my first year of college.  We played hours and hours of baseball and basketball in the field around the house.  We developed our own baseball field, converting a weed field into a lawn.  I still miss the huge garden and its always-fresh vegetables.

The freedom we had to be out-of-doors, play baseball and basketball, wander over to Joy Reed’s farm pond, swim, play on the ice, and generally create our day was wonderful.  Since we had one-person baseball teams playing each other, we invented the concept of the “automatic first baseman.”  Duke Snider and Hank Aaron were our original baseball heroes.  Those growing-up years would have been so much different without Ray to play, share, fight and compromise with.

You and Dad totally supported the sports, music, 4-H, church, and scouting interests that we pursued.  We stayed busy, living outside that southern Illinois town of 650.

A significant quality of childhood for me was developing asthma at age three.  That limited some of my activity, but did get me out of bailing hay!  I remember some of the nights prior to air conditioning when you stayed up with me while I was struggling to breathe.  I also remember the various types of medical treatments that you sought.  I recall some concern that I might develop TB or some respiratory illness like that which had taken the life of Dad’s brother, Ted, who had died shortly after I was born.

Being born on the “real” Memorial Day has always carried mixed feelings.  On the one hand, it felt special.  The school year was complete and three months of freedom lie ahead. The Indy 500 was always run on the 30th, no matter the day of week.  Playing taps and saluting the fallen soldiers during my high school years had a nice quality, but “celebration” for me did not quite fit.  I resented the decision to change Memorial Day into a moveable date for the sake of having a three-day holiday.  That seemed a violation of the original intent of the day, as well as a minimizing of “my” day.

Without saying much, you and Dad instilled a desire to achieve, and to do things the “right” way.  You might be disappointed to know that I don’t always make my bed to your standards upon arising each morning.

Mom, you have been and continue to be a wonderful mother.  It saddens me to see you have to give up activities and abilities that have been important to you, but that seems to be true of us all as time goes by.  You have brought into the world two pretty good sons, who have made loving choices in wives, and who have extended life through three amazing grandchildren and six great-great grandchildren.

Love you and thank you.

Ellery

Ellery Duke, Executive Director of the Des Moines Pastoral Counseling Center, is a licensed psychologist. He holds a master of divinity degree from Garrett Theological Seminary and a doctoral degree in pastoral counseling and psychotherapy from Northwestern University. Ellery is an ordained Elder in the United Methodist Church. Ellery is a fellow in the American Association of Pastoral Counselors and a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. He provides counseling and psychotherapy to individuals, as well as couples and families. Ellery has special interests in grief therapy, relationships, and men’s issues. He also consults with congregations and coaches clergy.